What is Your Best Tech Joke? 606
3770 asks: "There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. -- OK, I'm having a slow day at work. What is your favorite techie joke? I'm asking you! Make me laugh!"
On the topic of funny tech jokes... (Score:5, Funny)
http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/ [nanc.com]
enjoy!
Re:On the topic of funny tech jokes... (Score:4, Informative)
My version (Score:5, Funny)
For some reason people don't get it...
And mine (Score:5, Funny)
Base three (Score:3, Interesting)
Re:And mine (Score:3, Funny)
There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who know how to count, those who don't, and those who think stupid math jokes are funny.
Re:My version (Score:5, Funny)
Re:My version (Score:3, Funny)
For the constructive logic crowd... (Score:4, Funny)
"There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who believe in the excluded middle, those who don't believe in the excluded middle, and those who don't not believe in the excluded middle."
(Needs knowledge of constructive logic [cmu.edu]
Programmers & holidays (Score:5, Funny)
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Comment removed (Score:5, Funny)
Re:sortof a joke (Score:4, Informative)
The license plate says feature. It's on a beetle, A.K.A. a bug.
"It's not a bug, it's a feature"
Re:sortof a joke (Score:4, Informative)
I'm a geek, and it had to be explained to me that in the US, they call VW beetles "bugs".
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (Score:5, Funny)
A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.
By some miracle, the 3 people survived.
The doctor immediately said: "We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?"
The lawyer said: "We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!"
The engineer said: "Hold on, just wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again."
Re:A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
Not really much of a geek joke, but.... (Score:3, Funny)
Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!
This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your cups and mugs upon.
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For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622. Order now!
Not a joke, but funny... (Score:5, Funny)
WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers "Write in C."
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics! Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.
Guitar Solo
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C.
A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
Not so much 'techie', as 'science' jokes: (Score:5, Funny)
"I think I've just lost an electron!"
"Are you certain?" the other replies.
"Yes! I'm positive!"
and a science/sporting one:
Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.
Good grief (Score:4, Funny)
A bit of silliness in C (Score:3, Funny)
{
beat(horse);
}
Re:A bit of silliness in C (Score:5, Funny)
while ( horse == dead ) { beat(horse); }
Or, in Soviet Russia:
while ( dead == horse ) { horse.beat(YOU); }
An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist... (Score:5, Funny)
The engineer goes first. She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.
With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter. His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.
By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking. The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property. He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says...
"I declare myself to be on the outside."
Re:An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist.. (Score:5, Funny)
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Re:An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist.. (Score:3, Insightful)
This is probably not the best one (Score:5, Funny)
I got a email from a stubborn and clueless tech consultant who insisted on adding '... and creation date < system date' in the SQL query.
I calmly explained to her that 'creation date < system date' always holds true, unless, of course, the user could go to future and create a case there.
She doesn't seem to get the joke, and today I got a email, cc to my and her bosses, saying that we must 'creation date < system date' so that we would not miss those cases created 'in the future'....and she dare quote me on that!
Re:This is probably not the best one (Score:5, Funny)
My friend worked part time in college for a software company. The secretary the company had just hired was new to computers, and had a lot of questions and problems with Windows. She probably hadn't even used a computer or Windows before. My friend, being the part time college kid, was assigned to help her.
So she asked him lots and lots of questions, and lots more on top of that. About a week later, when she came to work, she proudly showed my friend the new book she bought to help her learn how to use a computer.
"Hey, look what I bought!" she proudly exclaimed. The book was Microsoft Access for Dummies.
You will pay (Score:3, Funny)
-
You will pay for your sins!
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
-
Be aloof, there's been a sudden population explosion of lerts.
-
A chicken, a bear, and a programmer walked into a bar. And the bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"
-
more one-liners (Score:3, Funny)
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Re:more one-liners (Score:3, Informative)
Mo Yo Momma (Score:5, Funny)
Microsoft Antitrust Trial Decision (Score:4, Funny)
not quite CS... (Score:5, Funny)
The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"
The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."
Re:not quite CS... (Score:5, Funny)
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
Re:not quite CS... (Score:3, Funny)
"Look", says the engineer, "the sheep in Scotland are black!"
"No, no, no," says the physicist, "some of the sheep in Scotland are black"
"I'm afraid both of you have jumped to the wrong conclusions." says the mathematician. "There exists at least one sheep in Scotland, at least one side of which is black."
Of Scotland, Sheep, and Consultants (Score:5, Funny)
Also not exactly tech, but certainly the tech industry:
A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.
"Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".
The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".
The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.
"Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".
The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.
"Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"
"Sure", says the Dude, grinning.
"You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"
"Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"
"Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".
Re:not quite CS... (Score:4, Funny)
A BBS goodie (Score:5, Funny)
Stupid dog, quit chewing on the phone line*&&^_&$#6k
NO TERRIER
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
"What a sad way to spend one's life," said the priest. "I will say a prayer for them."
"I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon," said the doctor, "maybe I could get them some help."
The engineer thought for a second, "Why don't these guys play at night?"
psych expirement (Score:5, Funny)
They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.
Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.
Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.
Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."
Great engineering humor (Score:5, Funny)
"The Knack" [iastate.edu]
Doctor: "It's worse than I feared."
Mother: "What is it?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid your son has
Mother: "The knack?"
Doctor: "The Knack. It's a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical
Mother: "Can he lead a normal life?"
Doctor: "No. He'll be an engineer."
Mother: "Oh, no! [crying]"
Doctor: "There, there. Don't blame yourself."
Here goes... (Score:5, Funny)
"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows."
Instead of jokes, I fight with quotes! (Score:5, Funny)
tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the
practice."
"Windows 98 has detected that the mouse has moved.
Please restart your computer for these changes to take effect."
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
My pid is Inigo Montoya. You kill -9 my parent process. Prepare to vi.
So what part of rpm, linuxconf, chkconfig and make xconfig do you not understand?
"Press any key if you wish to return to Windows or Control-Alt-Delete if you
wish to close it and reboot. After that action, scream at the top of your
lungs as your computer fails to respond to either of those actions."
- The Truthful Windows BSOD
Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully.
"Be consistent."
- Larry Wall in the perl man page
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon loaded with reels of tape.
Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error
code "418 I'm a teapot". The resulting entity body MAY be short and stout.
- RFC 2324
"I'm not interrupting you, I'm putting our conversation in full-duplex mode."
- Antone Roundy
The three triangles of the Berlin logo stands for the tripod upon
which Berlin rests: Courage, Honour, and Frozen Pizza.
X windows:
Accept any substitute.
If it's broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, fix it.
Form follows malfunction.
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
The trailing edge of software technology.
Armageddon never looked so good.
Japan's secret weapon.
You'll envy the dead.
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
Let it get in YOUR way.
The problem for your problem.
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
Simplicity made complex.
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
Flakey and built to stay that way.
Strangers have the best candy.
- t-shirt seen at DefCon 8.0
"Perl is Internet Yiddish."
- Yoz Graehme
"And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space,
because that's exactly how much difference there is."
- Larry Wall
"I *made up* the term 'object-oriented,' and I can tell you I did *not*
have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay, one of the inventors/designers of Smalltalk.
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
Cross platform apps are like unisex underwear.
Classic Joke... (Score:5, Funny)
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
2 strings walk into a bar (Score:5, Funny)
Rinkworks! (Score:4, Funny)
Oh, and any idle speculators care to guess how many "funny" meta-mods we'll be seeing for the next few weeks? I'm betting at least half...
Indeterministically funny (Score:5, Funny)
Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
A few of my favorite things... (Score:5, Funny)
Timesheet Honesty
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"
St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."
And my favorite one-liner:
"Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things."
-- Anon.
You can find more at the link above, and (SHAMELESS PLUG) at in the random quotes on the homepage of my site: www.hollinger.net
Ok, I don't get it (Score:5, Interesting)
Now someone posts an open invitation to go berserk, and I haven't (in the first 60-odd replies) seen a single Natalie Portman, hot grits, AYB or beowulf cluster. At least someone managed to sneak in an "In Soviet Russia".
Weird, huh.
David.
Comment removed (Score:5, Funny)
Math jokes (Score:3, Funny)
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon. [wolfram.com]
(with links for the math-impaired)
I don't know the joke... (Score:3, Funny)
I don't know the joke, but the punchline's gotta be:
"Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!" =)
UNIX email virus (Score:5, Funny)
This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.
Thank you for your cooperation.
by pjl @ patsoffice . com
In C++ (Score:5, Funny)
Blueberry Muffin (Score:3, Funny)
Okay, this is a weird one. But I like it, so it's in my .sig right now.
I have a friend who works at UMN. He and some co-workers were joking about how people expect computers to do everything for them. One of them grabbed a mouse and spoke into it: "COMPUTER! Whatever happened to Blueberry Muffin?"
I can't explain why I think this is so damn funny. In fact, I didn't think it was very funny at first. But the more I think about it, the funnier it gets.
The Internet interprets advertising as damage... (Score:3, Informative)
The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it.
by Paul Crowley (slashdot-paul @AT cluefactory
I can't take credit for this one: (Score:4, Funny)
In the United States, the standard railroad gauge is exactly four feet, eight-and-one-half inches wide. Why? Because that's the way they built them in England. Why did they build them that way in England? Because that's how wide English tramways were. And why were they that width? Because the people who built the trams also built wagons, and wagons wheels were that far apart. Why? Because the ancient Roman roads in England had wheel ruts exactly that far apart. Why? Because those ancient ruts were made by the wheels of Roman war chariots, and their wheels were exactly four feet, eight-and-a-half-inches wide. Why? Because Roman war chariots were just wide enough to accomodate two Roman war horses.
The moral of the story is that every specification in the world can trace its history back to some horse's ass.
Re:I can't take credit for this one: (Score:3, Informative)
See This page on snopes.com [snopes.com] for more information about this story.
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer.... (Score:5, Funny)
(and for the sexist-humor-impaired, apologies....)
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer all go into the men's room (they're all guys, duh :-( ).
The lawyer does his business, then washes his hands, then completely dries his hands with a truly profligate amount of paper towels.
"Lawyers are trained to be thorough," he explains.
The accountant does his business, then washes his hands. But he uses a minimal amount of paper towel, while making sure his hands are as completely dry as the lawyer's.
"Accountants are trained to be thorough and efficient!" he explains.
The engineer does his business, and walks out without washing his hands!
Flabbergasted, the lawyer and the accountant demand an explanation.
"Engineers don't pee on their hands."
Being a geek means never having to ask... (Score:3, Funny)
Being a geek means never having to ask, "Paper or plastic?"
by Loligoljm@delete_this.fc.net)
Lotteries (Score:5, Funny)
Formalizing old wisdom, you'll understand life (Score:5, Funny)
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
more work related calculations (Score:5, Funny)
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as their corresponding number:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far this will take you...
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Our leader? (Score:5, Funny)
"I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."
G. W. Bush, 8/21/2000
Re:Our leader? (Score:5, Funny)
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... (Score:5, Funny)
"Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... the rich country's car bomb."
by Rand Race (helixp@ nospamplease. bellsouth.net)
Bad spellers of the world... (Score:5, Funny)
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
by Fjord_Reddfjord_redd @ programmer_dot_net
Don't anthropomorphize computers. (Score:3, Funny)
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
by poiu (User #106484)
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... (Score:5, Funny)
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
by Q-Hack!kc5aot_HATES _SPAM_@qsl.net (User #37846) http://www.qsl.net/~kc5aot
Working computer hardware .... (Score:5, Funny)
(sadly, source unknown)
My Physics TA has this shirt (Score:5, Funny)
2 + 2 = 5
(for sufficiently large values of 2)
BBS Taglines - Always more fun than a... (Score:3, Informative)
Stupid lameness filter. Nevermind. Fine, I spent almost ten minutes removing every single 'junk' character, too. Bloody hell. Well, here's a link: http://home.attbi.com/~pellaz/taglines.html [attbi.com]
Not even close to as many as I had, though. Ugh.
another one (Score:3, Funny)
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
more from the cookie file (Score:3, Funny)
which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
-- J. Finnegan, USC.
The Stranded Engineer (old but priceless) (Score:5, Funny)
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. Looking around he saw some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut milk and stared out to sea waiting for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach waiting dejectecly for a while, he spotted movement out just beyond the waves
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here?"
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, I made it."
The engineer's jaw dropped in disbelief.
"I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island," continued the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm fronds, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," stammered the man, "what about tools and hardware? How did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
"But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "I just can't take any more coconut milk."
The woman laughed: "Don't worry, I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, they had exchanged their stories and the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need...?"
"Actually there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me: do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
WARNING: Lame math joke ahead! (Score:3, Funny)
A constant and e^x were walking down the street, when suddenly a differential operator jumped out from around the corner. The constant screamed as the differential operator destroyed him.
e^x laughed and said "Ha! You can't touch me!".
The differential operator said, "That's what you think, I'm d/dy".
Logic joke (think smullyan):
One of the most prominent funeral directors in the world died, so his peers all got together and sent a giant wreath in the shape of a giant wreath.
One more:
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should back go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have ayard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazing".
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What the heck is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're gay, aren't you?"
elevators (Score:3, Funny)
Altier:
A toggle switch allows you to open the door. A rope hangs from the ceiling, marked off in dot-dash patterns every 12 feet. Pulling the rope allows you to go up 4 stories, when you miss a tug, and crash.
IBM/DOS:
you enter and push a button for the 8th floor, but it can't get past floor 6.40
Mac 7.X
there is a single button for the floors. you push it, and it takes you to the floor it thinks is good for you.
Mac Copeland
You stand outside the elevator door, drinking pepsi, waiting for it to arrive, while reading the sign about how wonderful it is. You get tiered of waiting, so you take the NeXT one.
Windows 95
As you enter, a voice chimes out "where do you want to go today?" so you push the button for the 32nd floor, but it takes you to the 16th floor, twice.
Linux
Instead of a Button panel, there is a large paper bag full of parts and tools, with instructions in Finnish.
Irix
Everything appears to be in order, but the button panel is ajar, and none of the floors will light up. A highly paid consultant is able to borrow a widget from Linux's large paper bag full of parts to make them display.
YAGOTJ (Score:5, Funny)
A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
"Surely medicine is the oldest profession." says the doctor. "God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn't medicine I'll be..."
But the civil engineer breaks in:
"But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that's civil engineering to me."
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
"And who do you think created chaos?"
Quickie (Score:3, Funny)
Variable joke (Score:4, Funny)
New prisoner is in the cafeteria having lunch. Occasionally somebody shouts out "12!" or "97!" and the rest of the inmates burst into laughter. He asks what's going on, and one of the older inmates explains that they've all be around so long, they've told each other all the jokes so many times that they just numbered them all.
After listening for awhile, the new prisoner decides to try it. "57!" he yells.
Ending 1.... Nothing happens. He asks the old inmate what he did wrong and the older inmate says, "Eh. Some guys just can't tell a joke."
Ending 2... There is a pause, and then the place explodes in a roar of laughter. Prisoners are falling off their seats clutching at their sides, tears pouring down their faces. After a few minutes of this the older inmate pulls himself back onto his bench, wipes a tear from his eye, catches his breath and says "Jesus, we never heard that one before!"
My faulty memory tells me that there's a third ending as well, but I can never remember it.
Silicon. (Score:3, Funny)
He called it the Silicon valet.
Techie (Score:3, Funny)
He repies, "It was funny, a sexy woman rides up on it, dropes the bike, and takes off her clothes! Then she said 'Pick one!'"
His buddie replies, "Good choice, the clothes woden't fit anyways."
Not tech, but I think many techies can relate... (Score:3, Funny)
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Tasty joke (Score:3, Funny)
Professor: What is the area of a circle?
Student: Pi r square
Professor: Pi are not square Pie are round.
Student: Grrroan.
I apologize for the horrible math humor.
Mathematician, physicist, or engineer? (Score:3, Funny)
A quick way to tell whether you're talking to a mathematician, a physicist, or an engineer, is to ask ``Are all odd numbers prime?''
Guillotine (Score:3, Funny)
The lawyer is next, he also is put in place and the string is pulled. Again, nothing happens. He stands up and successfully argues that legally, the prisoner cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and he also is set free.
The engineer is led up to the guillotine, but before the executioners can put his head in place he calls out, "Wait! You've got a problem in the release mechanism!"
-SablKnight
Balloonist (Score:5, Funny)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
God's profession (Score:4, Funny)
An electrical engineer points out that the body depends on the electrical nervous system, and that since this is the core of the design, then obviously God is an EE.
A chemical engineer counters this, stating that the neurons, like all the rest of the body, wouldn't work at all without complex chemical interactions, as well as the flow of blood through the vast fluid flow network of the circulatory system.
The lone civil engineer of the group just laughs at all of them, pointing out that God must be a CivE, since nobody else would think to run a toxic waste line through a major recreational area!
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal!
-SablKnight
Dorm Room Fire (Score:5, Funny)
The Engineer sees a pitcher of water on the desk and pours the entire contents into the trash can, observes that the fire is out, and rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Physicist does some quick mental calulations, and determines that pouring one quarter of the pitcher in the can would be sufficient to keep the fire confined to the trash can. He then pours precicely one quarter of the pitcher in the trash can and the rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Mathamaticition wakes up and notices the fire and the pitcher of water. Satisfied that a solution exits he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
An engineer and a salesman go hunting... (Score:5, Funny)
The engineer thinks this is a little odd, but agrees. He finishes unpacking, when he hears some shouting. He goes outside, and across the clearing, the salesman is running directly towards the cabin, being chased by the biggest, angriest looking bear the engineer had ever seen.
"Open the door!" yells the salesman, and the engineer complies. With the bear on his heels, the salesman rushes up to the door, but at the last minute, he darts to the side. The bear, unable to stop, continues into the cabin.
The salesman quickly slams the door shut, and the bear (even angrier now) begins to trash the cabin.
The salesman smiles at the engineer, and says "OK, you finish this one, I'll go find us another."
Chemistry Jokes (Score:3, Funny)
Why do chemists like working at night?
Nitrates are better than day rates.
What's a chemists favorite ride at the carnival?
The ferrous wheel.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Why does a white bear melt in water?
Because it's polar.
What is a cation afraid of?
A dogion.
Used Car vs. Computer Salesman (Score:4, Funny)
A: The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
Hunter-Managers (Score:5, Funny)
They load it all in the plane, but the pilot is nervous. He says, "The plane is overloaded. We'll never make it." But the managers assure him that everything will be fine. Despite his repeated warnings, they finally tell him that they will take the responsibility if anything happens.
The pilot begrudgingly taxies as far down the runway as he can, opens the throttle, and tries to take off. But there's just too much weight. He screams, "It's no use! We're gonna crash unless you dump some weight!" But the managers tell him to keep going, everything is fine.
Finally, the plane gets off the ground. But sure enough, it's too late. The plane can't clear the fence at the end of the runway and crashes to the ground. Amazingly, everyone survives.
The pilot limps out and says, "See?!? I told you it would never work! What a failure!" But the managers say, "Faliure? This was an astounding success! We got two meters higher than last year!"
Very geeky joke... (Score:5, Funny)
A: Nothing, as (C - C++ == 0). Note, however, that the value of C has been increased...
Late and waaayy too long, but I have to post it... (Score:5, Funny)
Each agreed to send its best knights to the island, where they would duke it out in a free for all to settle who owned the island once and for all.
The first kingdom was very rich, and sent 100 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, each knight drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated as the squires cooked, polished armor, cared to the horses, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not as rich, and was able to muster only 50 knights, each with one squire. The night before the battle, the knights drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated. Each only had one squire, so they had to polish armor, too. The squires sharpened weapons, cared for the horses, and cooked.
The third kingdom was very poor, and could only send one knight and his squire. The knight took care of his armor and drilled as the squire prepared dinner, tended to the horse, and sharpened the weapons. To save time, he had to hang the cooking pot high over the fire with a noose.
The next morning, the knights of the first two kingdoms were too hung over from the celebration to fight. The third kingdom's knight was too tired from preparing for battle. None of them could fight, so the squires had it out. The battle raged on through the day and into the night. After the dust cleared, and the sun rose the next day only the lone squire from the third kingdom remained, tired, injured, near death, but victorious. This only goes to prove...(brace yourselves)...
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
OK, you can shoot me now.
tech riddle (Score:4, Funny)
Question: Who was the first computer technician?
Answer: Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
Some funny Haiku (Score:4, Funny)
No keyboard present, Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering?
The Tao that is seen; Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again.
The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy?
A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system.
This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.
Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist
Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
There is a chasm of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that.
To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Tutorial (Score:5, Informative)
It's quite helpful.
Re:Yo Momma! (Score:4, Funny)