Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter? 698
An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
Instilling values more important (Score:5, Insightful)
As important as it might be to encourage her geek talents, instilling and encouraging humanitarian values is far more important.
Make sure she knows she is loved. If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter.
Make sure she knows that human beings have value and should be respected and treated well, just as you and your wife have treated her well.
Encourage her to use her talents and interests to make the world a better place.
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Interesting)
I think that it may be better to teach her to own her decisions, as in, don't just go along with the flow, but to actually think-out and make a real decision on things. Your daughter is in the process of entering a part of her life that will fundamentally change who she is in her adolescence. She'll be faced with the social pressures of maturing into adulthood along with the internal pressures of body changes. You need to teach her to truly think about the ramifications of her decisions, to understand that in many circumstances there's no choice with all-positive results, and to accept the bad along with the good when she decides. She needs to confidently own her decisions with education, with dating, with employment. That confidence will carry her a long way, much longer than simple compassion, or in teaching blind respect.
Remember, not everyone deserves the same respect, but the reasons that individuals may deserve more or less respect is based on the individual, not on any easy category that the individual has no control over. She should judge people, but she should judge them for things within their control, for their choices. Everyone should start out as a blank slate and through observation the level of respect is determined.
I don't think that the religious expression, "the meek shall inherit the Earth," is a good thing, I think it's a cautionary tale. The meek will get what's left over after everyone else that isn't meek is done with it. That means the scraps, the used up, worn out remains. She needs to not be meek, she needs to be strong, she needs to be assertive, she needs to figure out what she wants and to make it happen, and to make decisions when others are willing to just go with the flow. She needs to understand true Machiavellianism (ie, the understanding that there are times to come into direct conflict with others, even those in authority, but that there could be consequences or long-term ramifications for treading on such people) and that life simply isn't fair. What she wants she has to go get. The Universe owes her nothing, and will give her a raw deal (ie, the expected loss of her father) and that her life is what she makes of it.
Sorry if this is tough to hear, but I'm pretty sure that it's the truth. Life is what we make of it for ourselves. Our decisions at one point affect our options at other points, and we have to assert what we want if we're actually to get it.
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Interesting)
I agree with this more than OP. Rational, ethical thought should be the cornerstone of any technical minded person. Rational to arrive at the most optimal data driven solution, ethical to ensure that the solution doesn't sound like "Well if we kill all the sick people, disease will be eliminated". Empathy, specifically for geek girls, is dangerous, she's going to face an uphill battle by her peers who are going to be afraid of her, threatened by her, and pressure her to drop to the level where they can compete in whatever way they comprehend it. The only way she'll steer clear is to govern basic human empathy with rationalism and clear thought, and it will still be very hard.
In general, empathy and compassion are dangerous when not heavily moderated by clear thinking and not entirely noble. If I gave all my money to N poor today, there'd be N+1 poor tomorrow. If I gave some of my money to the poor every day, there's be N slightly less poor tomorrow. Wealth is productivity, some of us have greater capacity for productivity than others. Truly helping others is much, much harder than empathy.
Re: (Score:3)
Technology is completely unimportant.
The important things to learn are:
Politely Disagree (Score:5, Insightful)
Hang on a sec, I'll get to my point of disagreement.
I forget the exact quote or even who the alleged author was, but it goes something like this. "Subject like Math can surely help in a career and portions of life, but understanding Politics is vastly more important. Politics effects every moment of your life, without exception. There is no subject more important, because nothing else impacts you the same way." An example is: Being a good cook takes some education, and you will surely have better tasting meals on the table. A politician taxing labor and goods, regulating food and what producers can put in the grocery store impacts not just the flavor but what you can afford to put on the table.
This lesson took me a long time to fully understand, but the world I look at today is not my own small corner. The world I am leaving to my kid is immense and goes far beyond what I directly control. I can influence the world, but I can't change it. (Reading how that sounds "NO", I am not the author of TFA).
Philosophy, Ethics, and Logic are all tied tightly together. Morality is an essential piece of those three things. Empathy is understanding the morality you dish out, as you would receive it.
The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.
Encourage the geekiness, but make sure they understand the fundamentals that carry them through life. That means living your life knowing that you leave a legacy behind, and ensuring you know how you wish to be remembered in history. Even if that history is small family stuff it matters.
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The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.
If you learned SunOS 2 or HP-UX 9, most of that knowledge is applicable to Solaris and modern Linux distributions today.
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_YOU_ may not have had a professor that could teach, but that is not a problem with Liberal Arts. It is a problem with education in general, which has been completely screwed since the US Government took over in the 1930s. Many people have professors that do teach, and many students can learn on their own just by exposure.
I gave the reason for it's value, and your answer equates to "nuh uh" with no backing rational. Your generalization that people can slack off and pass a class happens in all majors, the
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Insightful)
From a different perspective, compassion offers the mind something to chew on in confrontational and challenging situations that isn't offered by simply meeting a challenge with resistance or avoiding a confrontation. Compassion allows the person to understand the ROOT of the issue(s), and therefore can make a better informed decision about how (or if) to respond to the situation.
So, to build on your suggestion, let's assume that his daughter does indeed continue in the "geeky arts and sciences" and let's assume that she does face all of the challenges and opposition she's going to get from her mostly male classmates/peers. She could adopt the "cast iron bitch" attitude or just power her way through, ignoring it as best she can, and she'll probably make it through just fine. On the other hand, if she looks at these situations with compassion, she gets to fully understand it. She can realize why each of those peers treats her that way, and come to understand that it's likely born out of jealousy, or fear, or lack of understanding, or any other number of things that could explain why these people are treating her poorly. The significance of this, of course, is now that she fully understands how and why these things are happening, she can a) fully drop any personal apprehension she might have about things she might be doing to create it and b) be better informed and able to look for these behavior patterns in the future. With each encounter, she can further refine her understanding of her environment and her dealings with her fellow humans, and she can therefore refine how she responds to each.
Compassion does not mean "turning the other cheek", and incidentally, your "religious" quote about the "meek inheriting the earth" is christian, not universally religious......a lot of us think that's a bunch of crap (me included).
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:4, Interesting)
Point her to the Elon Musk TED talk [ted.com]. When asked how he did so many amazing things, one of his more insightful comments was he learned physics, and he learned how to approach things from the bottom up the way a physicist would. If you learn something at a fundamental level you can do amazing and new things. If you learn stuff, shallowly, from the top down, you often end up copying others which is both less amazing and less valuable.
Also has pretty good lessons for all the wanna be startup founders in Silicon Vally who are doing Uber of . . . or AirBNB of . . ., me too companies.
He also covers doing big, hard things for the benefit of humanity part pretty well.
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Insightful)
" If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter."
I could not disagree more strongly. Religion is not a core value, it is a philosophical choice which a child is not
even equipped to make until that child becomes an adult.
The number one thing a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self. This is the antithesis of a parent attempting to "program"
them with stuff like religion, or with anything else.
Re: (Score:3, Insightful)
The same can be said about any and all values including "a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self".
Once you realize that, you'll be well on your way to being able to understand moral reasoning, and far less likely to spout silly "relijuns is the bad" comments at inappropriate times.
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"A religion is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence." (Wikipedia.org). As a geek, I have no doubt that you (OP) have had life experiences which have led you to a set of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that help you personally relate to the rest of humanity and the universe, possibly including a sense of the Di
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Insightful)
If I had to boil down what my parents taught me through life, it'd be three things:
Number 1 provides confidence in self, number 2 pushes for an active stance in life and number 3 is the core life mission.
Looking back, specific advice was always based on a reading of these core concepts. You can't possibly predict every specific piece of advice your child will need. You can, however, provide a framework for her to evaluate her options down the road.
Leave her a few videos, exposing *your* core approach to life, so that she can reason like you do. Every word will be treasured. Then, when you have a satisfying length of recorded messages, spend time with her and your wife. Don't fret about setting up memorable events. Just take the time to enjoy yourselves together. She'll remember it fondly.
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Insightful)
Adding to this no matter what you do suffering the loss of her father at such at an immediately per-adolecent age like this is going to be a hurt she will probably always carry. Keep in mind she is old enough to have a pretty good although not complete idea of who you are, you are I am sure important to her if she shows it or not, and she is going to recall both her own pain at your loss and the pain of your wife etc.
That isn't a hurt she might want to work thru in the midst of other big life events. She might be really having fun with her friends on graduation day and not feel like opening that wound, and if she does not sit down and watch the video of day feel guilty at betraying your memory. Other events in her life might simply not take the shape you imagine, suppose you make a video for advice on marriage but she chooses not to or worse feel pressured to marry because she thought you expected it of her?
I think leaving videos behind is a wonderful idea but if it were me rather than making event specific videos I'd make age specific videos, titled like "For Winter Sometime your 25th Year" you can talk about some of things you were going through at that age, ideas about the world you recall having, how you felt about things etc. I am sure she will find your thoughts very interesting. There is still plenty of time to give adive an things as well, like "Spring of you 15th year".
This way she can pick a time when its emotionally convenient to visit with the memory of dad and you can still say what you want to say to here around given stages of her life.
Re:Instilling values more important (Score:5, Interesting)
I don't think it's really a bad thing to have videos in case of specific events, but really I think everyone's going about this the wrong way because OP himself has the wrong idea.
OP: Don't just make videos with advice and messages... make videos about you. You're leaving her when she's a small child, she's not going to get to know you like she would if she'd grown up with you there. Leave her videos about you, stories about your life, videos of you and your wife or parents together, things that will let her know you as a person and not just as this talking cutout of a person she remembers from her childhood. Tell her why you love science, what it means to you, how it's been a part of your life.
Re: (Score:3)
This is really insightful. My mom died when I was 20, which is probably better than if she had died when I was 6 -- or maybe worse, I don't know. I skipped my graduation ceremony for college and graduate school (no second parent
Re: (Score:3)
I agree 100%. Recording advice for specific situations is an Herculean task...
What I would recommend is gathering up some good books and movies, or a list of them, that you would like to share with her. She can then watch or read them in her own time.
from a psychologist that has helped children griev (Score:5, Interesting)
I would want my daughter to know the following:
1) I work am a child psychologist and interview parents all the time. When I ask what they want for their child, I am always happy to hear something along the lines of happy and independent when they reach adulthood. Make sure she knows that you goals for her are generalized to her happiness and independence, not specific things such as attend Notre Dame and become an accomplished engineer.
2) Know that she is loved for who she is. (especially by you and her mom) Know that other people do judge you and it can be harsh, but one of the awesome things in life, is that as you get older and are better able to choose the people with whom you interact, the fear of this judgment decreases. The "It gets better campaign" for LGBT youth is a founded on this concept, but I think it applies to all teens.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
5) The world is a fascinating place, go see it with an open mind and find new ideas that make your part of the world better.
6) The meaning of life is elusive, but to some degree we get to define our own. I have chosen that I want to make the world easier and better for other people as my meaning. I am doing so and therefore everything else is usually pretty cool. Make sure she knows to seek meaning in things that she can have control over. Psychologists refer to this as increasing your perception of self-efficacy, which usually correlates with increased optimism and happiness. This will be particularly hard in the face of the uncontrollable circumstances that led to why you are recording these things for her.
7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.
8) Make sure she knows that she can grieve and that it sucks and it is not fair, and that you feel the same way. Make sure she also knows that if she has a hard time grieving, that it is totally cool with you if she seeks help to figure out all the complex feelings.
9) Let her know that it is okay for her to be happy again. So many people grieving for loved ones feel bad when they feel happy, or feel like they "forgot to be sad". As though they are not doing due diligence to continue being sad over the loss. Making sure she has active access to enjoyable activities and social support. She might feel like she is "forgetting you," but reassure her that you know better. All you would want is for to be able to really enjoy the life she has. Having room in her head for all of the great times your family shared is part of that, but so is her capacity for building new great memories and experiences, and that is not a betrayal to you.
10) I would leave some pictures of prized possessions and experiences, with an explanation of why they are prized. Again, this will let her continue to get to know you.
11) Writing about complex ideas helps us understand and let go of negative feelings associated with things such as death or trauma. I would encourage her to keep a journal, and if comfortable doing so, share it with her mother to help figure these things out. It is a lot easier to recognize incomplete or irrational thoughts when we write them out.
Sincerest wishes for the least painful end possible
Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr (Score:5, Insightful)
This is an amazing list. I only have one thing to add (along the lines of your #10):
12) Tell her about yourself. Your daughter is old enough to remember you, but she isn't old enough to have really gotten to know you. That is something she is bound to be very curious about. She will get information from your wife, your family and friends that are still around, but hearing things directly from you could also be helpful. Tell her about important moments in your life. What were your goals dreams when in high school / college / your 20's. I enjoy talking to my mother and father about their lives, and now that I am in my 30's with my own daughter I have a different perspective.
Don't ask for advice online. (Score:5, Funny)
Is probably the best advice you could give her.
Re: (Score:3)
My thoughts exactly. Being geeky and techy is what you do, but not necessarily who you are. And asking slashdot where most of us has some sort of personality quirk, that in general makes us bad around people, wouldn't make the best advice.
I wouldn't bother with geeky advice (as it will get out of date quickly. "Remember when swapping drives to bend with the knees so you don't pull your back" just doesn't cut it anymore.) just general advice about life, Things like relationships, life expectations, stating
Re:Don't ask for advice online. (Score:4, Insightful)
Don't ask for advice online. Is probably the best advice you could give her.
Or, "Don't take life too seriously... it's not like it's permanent."
Re:Don't ask for advice online. (Score:4, Insightful)
Not the worst advice, the collective wisdom of /. is both enlightening and sad ... depending on who you're listening to at the moment.
My advice ...
1) Teach her that nothing of great value is easy. If it is easy people don't value it. Don't take the easy path, just because it is easy. Don't avoid the hard path, simply because an easy path is available. You'll miss out on what everyone else is missing, and will not be better off because of it.
Things that are hard to acquire are the things people tend to value more.
2) Learn all you can about everything that interests you. Once you learn something, there is nobody that can take it from you.
3) Make things. Build something, anything. Make something that is hard (see #1), take the time to do it right. You'll learn something (#2) and you'll have something of value in the end. And when you're done, do it again.
4) Value people over things. Don't get attached to things, get attached to quality people. Things can always be taken away, but nobody can take away a friend. Not time, not distance, not anything.
In the end, there is nothing from this world we can take into the next. The only thing we leave is a bit of ourselves behind, in the lives we have impacted, and the things we have built.
Re:Don't ask for advice online. (Score:4, Insightful)
My advice (posting as AC, because this is from experience.)
Get married in your 20s.
After 30, the people who are single are divorcees or people who are not married for a reason, so most of the time you will be picking from the reject bin.
Re:Don't ask for advice online. (Score:4, Insightful)
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That's BS. Lots of nice people over 30 not married who would not mind being married. Sometimes the "for a reason" means they're shy and what's wrong with that? Or they don't meet traditional standards of attractiveness (and would you really want to encourage a daughter to be superficial in those respects?).
Very often the reason people over thirty are divorced is because they rushed into a marriage when they were in their twenties. Being divorced does NOT mean you're a reject, it can mean that the other
Interactive (Score:3)
Re:Interactive (Score:5, Insightful)
If my father had a set of videos like this for me to see after he died, I would want to watch every video anyway. If he had a video about what to do if I became a farmer (a route I didn't take) I would still want to watch another unique moment he took the time to create for me.
Re:Interactive (Score:5, Funny)
Yes! Do this!
And then make a bunch of completely ridiculous ones too.
"If you're watching this video, Aliens have invaded New York."
"If you're watching this video, Charlie Sheen just accepted the Academy award for best actor."
Have some fun with these! They should't all be serious. Some of the best moments we have with loved ones are just silly rediculous things.
terminal illness (Score:5, Informative)
I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.
Re:terminal illness (Score:4, Informative)
And this post will be something to remind her that her dad, down the stretch, thought of her future and how to do something for her. I think that's as good a gift as anything.
All I can come up with is, "Just do your best."
Re:terminal illness (Score:5, Insightful)
I agree. This might be the only story I can recall in several decades of reading ./ that actually qualifies for the term "stuff that matters". All the best, story submitter. All the best.
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Me too. Posts like this are why, every night I can (and it's rare that I can't), I come home and we eat dinner as a family, and I try to play with the kids between dinner and bedtime. Anything else I need to do, I can do after they go to bed. It can wait, because this is more important.
I guess the only advice I have, having had a father who was never around (not dead, just working long term contracts far from home) is to tell your daughter that you love her, and that you're proud of her, and that you hope s
Books (Score:5, Insightful)
Give her some book ideas. Books that my father (and mother) suggested to me growing up, even if I didn't read them until years later, were much more worthwhile, especially the ones they said had an impact on them, or remembered particularly. Books create a deep connection that will last beyond any one person's lifetime.
I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.
Re:Books (Score:5, Interesting)
This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.
I'm not too sure. I lost my father when I was young. I think that if he had made a video for me, I would find it more than a little creepy, as well as being a forceful reminder of what I had lost. It would not make me happy; it would make me cry in pain, and perhaps even feel controlled.
Unless he can make it a Haron Seldon tape, to play only during special occurrences, I think the best answer might be not to.
If you want her to be able to let go, perhaps the best thing is for you to let go.
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I lost my mom -- had the same reaction you had. For me, the tapes would have become a huge burden and source of anxiety.
And it's been a while since I read the Foundation Series, but didn't Hari Seldon's eventually diverge from current events? Even he couldn't manage a perfect set of videos.
Backups (Score:5, Funny)
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Believe in yourself. (Score:5, Insightful)
That's the biggest most important thing I could say to my son in this situation.
Believe in yourself. At the point that things are darkest, have the faith and confidence to know that you'll survive it and most likely come out better in the long run.
Take those challenges. Fight your way to those goals, no matter how lofty because you CAN.
Also, when people try to sap your ambition or imagination, curb check them immediately. There is NO room in your life for doubters and wet blankets.
Most of all, love yourself and those around you as deeply and as often as you can. There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is.
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Be true to yourself. You have only one life to live, don't waste trying to meet everyone else's expectations.
As for the videos, still photos are better. Photos let her remember her the way she imagines / wants to believe, and can serve as a starting point for other people telling her stories about you. Videos just ruin the experience, and are kind of creepy when they are "messages from beyond."
Teenage Years (Score:5, Insightful)
I'd tell her that her teenage years might be rough. I'd tell her not to worry about them and that life gets better in college, where you're surrounded by people that WANT to be there.
I'd tell her that she's going to feel a lot of pressure from the people around her to be "normal", and that's hogwash. She'll be told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that there's a LOT of pressure to not be happy so she'll buy makeup or clothes so she can BE happy, but that that is BS and doesn't work.
I'd tell her that most of the people in the world don't know what they're doing with their lives. They're going through the motions and hoping no one else notices that they're lost. The people that make choices about what they want to do with their lives are the ones that are really happy, because their life has meaning. Tell her to do whatever she wants with her life, and you'll be happy if she's happy and lives her life well.
Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times... Her first love won't be her last. There will be awkwardness and some small amount of stupidity, but you learn from that and you get better at it and eventually you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and then you find someone that you want to share your life with.
Tell her that another person can't complete her, ever. That's her job. She can't complete someone else. That's their job.
Other than that, I'd just spill your guts on random life lessons you've learned. :D Every word will be a treasure to her, so don't skimp on the trivial stuff!
My Father (Score:5, Interesting)
Wrote me several letters when I was too young to read or understand them about things he wanted to let me know about in later life. He was not sick at the time and had no idea his life would be cut short by Multiple Sclerosis several years afterward. On his death, going through his files, I discovered the letters and they were very touching and helpful to me especially getting through the crisis of his passing. It let me know that as I was growing up and he was taken away by work and other responsibilities that he was still thinking of me even though at the time he seemed to be otherwise occupied. It also helped me to realize he was a person, a human being and not just "Dad", and helped me to understand and overlook some of his flaws. They did me a lot of good, whether or not he realized it at the time. I highly recommend doing this while you can. Your daughter will thank you and know you better as a person as a result, and not just have to rely on memories, photos and stories related by friends, etc. after you are gone.
I hope that helps a bit, a view from the other side...
Re:My Father (Score:5, Insightful)
With my father my biggest regret is not asking him to write these when we knew his cancer was terminal.
I had great plans to teach him how to use his webcam to record videos for me and my kids and the cancer just took over. XKCD is of course relevant [xkcd.com]. Twice [xkcd.com]
Write letters. Hard drives fail, websites go out of business. A letter photocopied and put a few places should survive most things.
Advice for all (Score:2)
It's okay to say "I don't know" in almost every situation if you really don't know the answer, especially following it up with "I'll find out and let you know".
Obviously this won't work well on tests and the like, but in everyday life nobody has all the answers.
Give a "Last Lecture" (Score:2)
Ask her school if you can give a Last Lecture [cmu.edu] to them and, if you choose to put it online, to 6th-grade students everywhere.
Long Term contact... (Score:4, Insightful)
Set up a mailserver for her and your wife. You may very well have your own domain and mail already. But just ask some friends to help to ensure this will last a long time.
Then I'd suggest a series of short messages as well that could go on a very long time. Video, yes, by all means. But even some emails. Start writing down stuff now as it comes to you. The first time you remember getting in trouble. The first time you had chocolate. Or the first time you had a drink of alcohol. Anything. Everything that sticks out to you as a story. Don't preach. Don't try to impart anything. Just be you in your own voice. Talk to her like you would anyone you love. She'll find wisdom and encouragement in those things. We are only the stories we tell. Facts can be found anywhere. Information is handed out freely. But it's the connections we share with the people we love that give meaning to all of it. Give her the chance to have your stories unfold like they naturally would. Who knows what she'll be doing at 30 when that email finds her. Personally I'd laugh, cry, and be happy to have another tale from my father.
Re: Long Term contact... (Score:4, Insightful)
Videos? (Score:2)
Re:Videos? (Score:5, Insightful)
Nothing about preparing videos for his daughter implies that he's NOT spending time with her now.
For those who don't have kids, you can't spend every waking minute with them. They don't even WANT that. I have a very young child who sometimes just wants time with mommy. Sometimes she wants me and not mommy. As they get older, kids spend time with friends and their own interests (note that the OP's child is in 6th grade). I suspect there's plenty of time to record videos when the daughter is doing other things, not home, etc.
Self Posession (Score:2)
If nothing else, she needs to be taught that she is self-possessed. That this is her life, her body, her decisions. That what other people may want of her can be considered, even negotiated around, but that in the end it is what she wants that should count the most.
She is going to be pulled in many directions, face many things that you and your wife have already passed through and have only the fleetest memories of. To navigate those and other unforeseeable difficulties the best thing that can be bequeathed
Live the present, not the future (Score:5, Insightful)
Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.
-A geeky scientist Mom
Don't Waste Time Making films (Score:5, Insightful)
You can do a lot in two months, even more in six.
Take a vacation. See things you both have wanted to see.
Impart your wisdom in person while admiring the view at Yellowstone, Yosemite, from the deck of the Empire State Building, or the Eiffel Tower.
One second with her in person = years of films.
Re:Don't Waste Time Making films (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Don't Waste Time Making films (Score:4, Insightful)
This, I'd mod this up.
I love technology as much as the next guy on /., but that's not what makes a human or a human relationship. We are all living but for a limited time, the only question is just how limited.
Spend time with your children now. While you still can - go somewhere with your daughter, take her out of school if necessary. Take a trip to all the places you (and/or, especially, her) wanted to see but couldn't, do things together - go fishing or skiing or walk through Tokyo, whatever you can, while you can. There is nothing like building a shared experience. People live in the memory of those around them - the more of those memories the better.
Your daughter may or may not grow up to be a "geek". She may (and probably should) find her own path in life. But she will remember you for whatever you do now.
If you feel she needs a "hard record" of ut for later - take a few videos, while you do it.
Re:Don't Waste Time Making films (Score:4, Interesting)
I actually disagree. Writing things down or recording them is great, because we forget. I always thought it was a little nuts to go to events and spend them taking pictures, videos, etc. BE there, don't be the videographer. As time has gone by, though, I've come to realize if I had all those artifacts to refresh my memory over the years, I'd remember them a lot better.
An uncle died when I was 7. Great guy, I remember that. I remember what he looked like, but in my mind, he looks a exactly like the picture on my grandmother's wall, so I think I've lost any real memory of his face. I replaced it with the version I see a few times a year. I have no idea what his voice sounded like even though I used to see him all the time.
So yes, go do wonderful things, but also take pictures and make videos. If you were my dad, I'd appreciate that gift, especially later in life, and not just for the wisdom, just for the memories.
Videos for future moments (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Videos for future moments (Score:5, Insightful)
Please don't take offense, but I recommend against this. Those videos might be heart wrenching to watch after a while. Perhaps it would be better to sing with the child now, and take a video of that. Then the child has a memory of his/her father to look back on, rather than an expectation to watch a video every year.
Here's why I say this: Dispensing advice via video makes sense, because the child may not be ready to hear certain things. But who are the videos for? The living or the deceased? At some point, children need to move on. Holidays should be happy events surrounded by living people, looking forward to the future. I don't think I would want a reminder like this every year. Imagine seeing the same person, at the same age, with the same voice, singing the same birthday song every year. It would be a reminder of loss, of the unfairness of life and the detriments of aging. (Sorry if that got too philosphical.)
Have Fun! (Score:3, Insightful)
It's easy to forget this simple concept and waste your time with pointless stress and self-doubt.
Talk to her NOW (Score:5, Insightful)
I also have pancreatic cancer. When I was diagnosed, I thought of doing videos for my kids, but decided that it would be far too Hari Seldon, and I didn't have anything really useful to say.
Death is frightening, and one of the worst parts is the lack of ability to affect the future. In my opinion, the important thing is for her to have good memories of you. Tapes won't help with that. Videos of you two at the tech museum, or at the makers faire would be far more useful.
However, if you have something to say to her that is not age appropriate, a recording might be one way to do it. Otherwise, talk to her NOW.
Good luck.
Re:Talk to her NOW (Score:5, Insightful)
A lot of people keep saying this like they're mutually exclusive. You should really do both. I'd want both. Memories fade. 5, 10 , 15 years from now the videos are going to be meaningful and help refresh those memories.
You've already won... (Score:2, Insightful)
"She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music."
The patterns set down in those years will serve her well. Tell her that adulthood seems a mile away, but it will be there in the blink of an eye. Don't be too quick to grow up, because you'll have plenty of days when you wish you were a kid again. What others think doesn't matter much in the long run. And tell her you're proud. No one will ever give a girl (about to enter a difficult age) as much confidence as
Never be fearful (Score:5, Insightful)
Teach her not to be afraid.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Try all the things.
Don't be afraid to go against the popular ideas. Do what you think is best..
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Ask for it!
Don't be afraid to do what you want. Do it!
Don't be afraid to travel. Go!
Women and girls especially need to stop believing they are weak and helpless. They need to learn their strengths and learn to reduce their weaknesses. Nobody is respected for their fears. Learn to not be afraid and you will get respect.
Think About Yourself (Score:4, Insightful)
Skip the videos, spend time with her now (Score:2)
Forget you're a geek- it doesn't matter. At all. (Score:2)
Tell her you love her. Tell her that there is a hope for her to see you again. Tell her that no matter what, nothing was her fault. Kids blame themselves for bad things because they don't understand how things work- so the only explanation in their mind is that it is *their* fault.
Whether you are religious or not, talking about death with her NOW is important. This can help:
http://www.jw.org/en/publicati... [jw.org]
If you don't go to that link, then adapt these practical points from it:
IMPORTANT POINTS TO CONVEY
If a
Embrace Your Passion (Score:2)
Teach her to embrace her passion. Even if it's not what she does to pay her bills, if there's something she loves, she should pursue that passion proudly and enthusiastically. Encourage her to seize on the opportunity of youth to find that thing. Teach her to seek out the companionship and admiration of others who share her passion and, in turn, to base her admiration of others on things that matter. Encourage her not to shy away from her passion just because any ol' person voices disapproval. Encourage her
Certain things every individual should know... (Score:2)
There are certain things I wish I knew decades earlier. Some of them are things you can only learn by the school of hard knocks. Other things can be picked up in books.
Give her a list of books that she should read at certain ages. Not just fiction/science fiction, but books that made you think about the real world and how to live in it.
I know that I want my kids to read "The Boglehead Guide to Investing" by the time they take home their first paycheck. Being able to invest in the future is something tha
Whatever else you do... (Score:2)
.... give her a hug every single day.
Comment removed (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:You know... (Score:4, Insightful)
That's....a very sad story. How old is your niece? If she's only 15-20 then this makes sense. I bet when she's 30-40 it might suddenly matter to her to see the audio tapes of her father.
Or maybe not. Some people grow into things like this. Others don't.
Listen to this episode of This American Life: (Score:2)
Something for your wife..... (Score:5, Interesting)
Encourage action, life not wasted (Score:5, Insightful)
I would encourage you to label some recordings as appropriate when she gets a little older, and include in those recordings your deepest regrets, your proudest moments, and how you learned to overcome obstacles that you found in your way.
I would avoid the temptation to spend time on these recordings that you would otherwise spend with her in person. Don't use the camera as a means to avoid spending time with her, because i *know* the temptation may creep in when you begin to feel ill, and you don't want her to remember you as sick.
Include lots of recordings of the two of you together, enjoying life. Take her hiking, go see every sweet father/daughter movie there is, go to dances, bungie jump together. These aren't specifically nerd things, but they are things that will make her really look up to you and your legacy, and she will see your footsteps as admirable, and she will come to realize the way you lived is fit for her too. Show her that nerds are awesome.
I wouldn't wish what you're going through on my worst enemy, and if there was something I could do to give you two one more year together I would give it a shot. I'm sorry for your spot, but I applaud your attitude and your desire to do this for her. You're a great dad.
F*ck Cancer.
Do all the major ones (Score:2)
Not to mention some career advice - get fired, get promoted, work -life balance.
Probably talk about other health issues that she might inherit, and at least mention some of the major mental ones - addiction (drugs, alcohol, and gambling).
Lastly, I would talk not just about advise, but about the things you value. Talk about your own personal
Above all (Score:2)
You really have a lot of it covered already.... (Score:2)
Seriously, by leaving these videos and being what seems to be an excellent parent, you seem as if you need little more to add to what you already have.
As a girl geek myself, tell her not to take herself so seriously. Be sure to have fun and to keep family first and foremost. Remember that in 25 years time, no one will care if you made that important presentation to an executive or worked extra weekends to get that promotion. Work is fleeting. Family is forever. I have never once regretted going on a
Harry Chapin's grandfather (Score:4, Insightful)
I'd like to quote Harry Chapin retelling a story of his grandfather.
I wished I had learnt this lesson a lot earlier in life.
"There's two kinds of tired. There's 'good tired' and there's 'bad tired'.
Ironically now, 'bad tired' can be a day that you won, but you won other peoples' battles, you lived other peoples' days, other peoples' agendas, other peoples' dreams and when it's all over there was very little you in there and when you hit the hay at night somehow you toss and turn, you don't settle easy.
'Good tired', ironically enough, can be a day that you lost, but you only have to tell yourself, cause you knew, you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days and when you hit the hay at night you settle easy, you sleep the sleep of the just and you can say 'take me away'."
Do listen to the full story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?... [youtube.com]
My mother died of the same... here's what she did (Score:5, Interesting)
This is a very difficult endeavor for you but I asked my mom to leave her granddaughter videos of herself talking about her, the things she likes to do, her views on life and anything she wanted to tell her.
The most important thing was that she did this early on because your energy goes away. The videos need to be done NOW. The letters and writings can be done right up until about a week before the end.
Tell her about your childhood
Tell her about your first love
Tell her about your first kiss
Tell her about what you thought when she came into this world
Tell her about when you found out your wife was pregnant
Tell her about everything you have any emotional connection to.
Tell her your hopes and dreams (not of her, but yours)
Tell her how much you love her and give her confidence.
Tell her how you want her to make an impact on the world for the better no matter how small
Tell her whatever is on your mind as you write.
The most important thing is to give her things to remember you from. A nice touch is to create a letter or video for each birthday, but keep in mind she won't be able to handle these until she's much older.
This this!! A million times this!!! (Score:3)
How I have no mod points to boost this is a mystery to me, but I hope OP sees this.
My dad died suddenly in an accident when I was just 22, right out of college. I had always anticipated growing up and having a beer with him from time to time, asking exactly the kinds of questions CodePwned listed, and more like this: "What did you see in Mom when you first met?" "What did you learn from your first real job? Your second? Looking back, what would you have done differently?" "What was your first car? But what
First of all... (Score:3)
As a recovering "shrink," my counsel to you is this: Don't worry about the legacy you can leave; you've already done that with your life, which gave and nurtured her life, and your evident attention to her growing-up years. Start with questions: What is SHE planning; what interests HER, what would help HER cope with the loss of her father. Probably the greatest gift you can give her is now: Your presence, your love, your time, especially since these are now all in limited supply.
My counsel: Don't worry about some grand legacy to leave, but do record these happy moments--tinged as they are with bittersweet facts.
Finally, your love for your daughter is palpable in your public plea here on
I am saddened by her impending loss.
Opinions from the other side (Score:5, Insightful)
As someone who lost their father at around the same age, I've had ~30 years to reflect on what I think I've missed most. The biggest thing that I think I missed out on is knowing who he really was. At that age, you have a view of your parents similar to that of many children - you only really know them from your interactions with them from a child's point of view. As you grow up with your parents, that expands as you can understand more about them. Today, I would love to ask my father about his life and why he made some of the decisions he did (not that any of them were bad).
Some examples - as a child I had no idea of what career I'd go into. As a teenager, I would have loved to talk to my father about his college choices, why he chose the degrees he did, what it was like working for X or Y company, or even what was his favorite color.
Something else to keep in mind - Make sure that they know about your family and know how to get in touch. After my father died, I don't think I had any real contact with his side of the family for 25 years. Email addresses, family trees, backgrounds, details on brothers/sisters/cousins are all important to make sure they have.
Finally, make sure that you leave something personal. I know it might sound odd but the only item I still have with that personal connection to my father is a VHS tape with a hand-written label of a television show we would watch together. The tape isn't the important part to me - it's the label with his handwriting. It's one of the few things I have that prove he was here on this planet.
Focus on who you are, what you did, why you did it and let your daughter know how proud you already are of her. You can't guide her on each challenge she is going to face, but you can share your experiences, insights and personal history with her to help her shape her future.
(AP for the same reasons as the submitter, also the only time I've cried while on /. Thank you submitter - I think this post was better for me than therapy)
Message for 2040: (Score:5, Funny)
"Congratulations on getting an old h264 decoder to run on modern hardware. Now you know what computers were like in my day. I hope you enjoyed rewriting the Vorbis decoder based on the spec sheet I left you."
I am sorry (Score:3)
I know how hard it was to lose my father when I was a fairly young adult - so I can only imagine how you and your family are feeling right now. You are in my prayers.
If I think about things I'd want to say to my (now young adult) daughter, if I had been in your shoes at the point in time you're currently at...
I have no geek advice, but - tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her, no matter what she chooses to do with her life. Tell her to take her time with boys - they'll still be there when she's ready. And tell her to tell her mother she loves her and that you love her.
Tell her about funny stories, and the interesting things you've seen. Tell her about your friends growing up, and the mischief you got into. Tell her about your favorite music, so she has something to roll her eyes at.
And take care.
Jobs had Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumor (Score:5, Informative)
What I did w/ my geek son (Score:4, Interesting)
I am sorry to hear about your prognosis. As someone with a Geek child (now 20) I can offer some stuff for you. There are two ways to go about this: Regular Advice or Geek advice. You can go exclusively geek advice, but that is a short list and technically rather short sighted. You can give regular advice, but can add geek references would probably be more appropriate.
* How to pick a good mate (interests, money, sex, religion, etc.) Maybe include stories of your wife/your courting .. money, sex, religion)
* How to succeed a marriage (how to fight, alone time, sex, money, etc.)
* How to be a good partner in a relationship (no passive/aggressive, fight fair, etc.)
* Sex in general
* Self Esteem (how she is good how she is, don't change, positive notes, etc.)
* Geeky stuff you like (TV shows, books, games, etc.)
* Encourage who she is (follow your passions, be strong and confident, etc.)
* Encourage talents (you should be able to see them there, give her suggestions on what to do)
* Money (how to invest, save/emergency fund, net worth, save for retirement, keeping up with the jones, etc.)
* General advice like (top 3 reasons people get a divorce
* General tech advice (password resets, no 2 passwords the same, once online always online, etc.)
* More general stuff about the world around her (world economy, driving in your area, etc.) anything that you would tell a kid during their lifetime.
Just don't .... (Score:5, Insightful)
Don't try to "pass on wisdom". Don't try to saddle her with some deep knowledge you feel the need to impart.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she can be a bad ass, or any other thing she wants to. Tell her what is happening. Tell her it's something which happens, and that while it hurts it is a fact of life.
But for the love of god don't try to pass on some parental wisdom she'll be saddled with.
Passing on a specific set of wisdom is about you.
You're dying; that is scary, tragic, and will be tough for her to deal with.
Leave her happy videos of you and her and the family, not a proscribed series of messages to be viewed at times in her life. I'm betting she'd rather see videos of you singing Monty Python songs than moralizing from beyond the grave.
Seriously, talk with your wife, talk with your doctor, talk with your friends, talk with your daughter ... but for the love of god don't ask Slashdot what to do here.
By all means do leave behind happy memories and videos to look back on. But don't be so mission oriented. That's just grim.
Most important seven words: (Score:3)
"I love you"
and
"I'm proud of you."
Let her hear those seven words, and I guarantee it will always bring a smile to her face.
Be Careful (Score:3)
My aunt did this. Right after a divorce, she got breast cancer that spread to the lymph nodes, and game over. She had 3 small kids, and left them a video, which I was allowed to see as well.
I found it really sad. I'm sure she thought she was doing the responsible thing as a loving parent, and didn't have any idea anything else was seeping through. However, she clearly was still angry about the situation, and blamed her ex for the cancer. In the video.
However true or unfair that is, this was the decidedly not the person she was. She was a stunning woman, on the inside and out. She was the smartest person in a family full of postgrad professionals, and attractive enough to spend some time dealing cards in Vegas, and do stints on game shows in Hollywood. She did some really amazing things, and spent her life as the rockstar of our family. I can't express how sad it is to me that the last thing she left her kids with was none of that. It is just now how she deserved to be remembered.
I remember she specifically instructed her daughter about graduating from college (part of the inheritance was even tied to that) and choosing a partner better than she did. He daughter ended up dropping out of college to marry an older man, and has since divorced and remarried. I guess the moral here is that no matter what you do, your kids are going to grow up and make their own mistakes.
Please, please if you want to do this, watch it yourself and pay attention to what you are saying.
Create Videos of You With Her (Score:4, Insightful)
Dont record the videos (Score:4, Insightful)
Don't record the advice videos like you've suggested you would. There are a number of stories about people who've done this and it's turned out badly. If you're just saying things like "I love you and hope you're doing well!" that's great... But advice? Advice needs to bend and twist with circumstances. You've no idea what situation your daughter will be in 20yrs from now, and how the video could appear to her. What if one of the videos is "Congratulations on the degree!" and she flunks out? She'd be fine and likely do well in life anyway, but that video would be painful.
My mother came from the deep south, and her advice about African Americans when I was a child likely would have been to stay away from them. But now, as an adult, my wife and I adopted an African American child, who is the light of my mothers life. They are inseparable and she's now an emesary of inclusiveness to her southern relatives. Circumstances changed all of us, and any static, unalterable message from 30yrs ago had my mother been terminal would have done nothing but cause us pain now.
Pass on your love and support. Leave the advice for the living.
make a list of books and movies that impressed you (Score:3)
give her the list
tell her anytime she thinks of you, to read one of those books/ watch one of those movies
you can bond with her from the beyond
Consider This Carefully (Score:4, Insightful)
A story about a daughter who was the recipient of such letters from her dead mother:
Letter Day Saint [thisamericanlife.org]
While I understand the desire to "be there" for you daughter, the painful fact is you will not be. And as the years pass, the less and less likely it's going to be that your imagined future version of your daughter is at all like the actual person your daughter becomes. This is going to create stress as she's now constantly being reminded by your videos of how she's failed to live up to your dreams.
Make videos if you must (Score:3)
but make sure you have a (preferably handwritten) transcript for her too. Who knows if your videos (or their formats) will survive while a bank lock box and some hand written notes on carefully selected paper will likely weather time better.
As for the rest, tell her what YOU think is important for her to know. You can't ask us for that - and I somehow doubt that will have much to do with your education nor station in life.
*Your* Stories, *Your* Memories.... (Score:3, Insightful)
After my siblings and I lost our mom prematurely, the thing that we have struggled with the most is missing all the stories she had in her head... about our early years, of course, but also about different stages of things in our lives - sequences of events, or tales of lesser-known relatives. Happy memories of us that she had & liked to recall... Silly stores that made *her* laugh... that warmed *her* heart... We will never be able to get those now that she's passed over. We've been able to reconstruct some details between us, but HER stories - anything she never wrote down - are gone forever now.
I humbly suggest to not be a "Dad" and "tell" her stuff, but instead share the stuff that makes you happy & joyful to have known her & cared for her while you did.
And,.. you have my condolences, you are in a difficult situation. All the best to you and yours..
Re: (Score:2)
Pics, er, I mean, peer-reviewed study with independent confirmation of results or it didn't happen.
Re:Gerson (Score:5, Informative)
National Cancer Institute did a review of Gerson's claims. I'll save everyone a lot of time with the spoiler: Gerson was full of shit, don't waste your time. http://www.cancer.gov/cancerto... [cancer.gov]
Re: (Score:3)